Rain

There was a time I liked rain. A lot. I was crazy about it. It used to delight me like candy delights a little child. I used to forget about everything and rejoice in the rain as if it was raining just for me. It seems like a long time ago. Seems like it was another era. A time when people meant something to one another. A time when it was all not so complex as it is today. I thought I still loved rain. One doesn't grow out of love. Or so I had thought. But it rained. And I didn't care. It didn't even make me smile. In fact it triggered absolutely no emotion in me. And now that I think about that, it makes me sad. It makes me wonder. What all has changed. Initially I used to wonder why I liked rain. I'm the sort of person that likes sunshine and flowers and chocolate. Rain is portrayed to be dark. Sad. Dreary. So I often got confused. Why did such a dark thing make me happy. How did it make me forget the world. And more importantly, why isn't it doing that now? Of my list of favorites rain was at the top of the list. How did it cease to be in it's place? The funny thing is I think I know. But I can't say it. Because saying things makes them real. Saying things makes you believe them. And I don't want to believe that yet. It's gonna get better. I know that. I'm gonna be fond of rain again. I probably am even now. But something is pulling me back. Something is amiss. I need that passion. I need that sparkle that came in my eyes when I felt a raindrop fall on me. I need it back so badly. So I can be myself again. So I can not think a million times before I say anything. So I can trust my luck and go with what my gut says. My heart has stopped thinking for me. Because I have stopped taking it seriously. I need a moment to turn back. To fix myself. A moment of truth. So I can be whole again. So I can taste what it's like to be happy for no reason again. So I can be me again. I'm only waiting for that moment.

July 2009.