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I need something to paralyze my thinking
So my mind can be blank and not wander
I need some time for sleep and rest
So I can dream again and ponder
How did it get to this
Where did I go wrong now
Maybe my dream will have answers
Maybe it will tell me how
My thoughts are like a piercing knife
They've torn my heart with no relent
They have tortured my very existence
For which they did never repent
Take me far away from them
Somewhere with flowers and clouds and rain
Take me away to erase my thoughts
Help me take away my pain

March 2010

Rain

There was a time I liked rain. A lot. I was crazy about it. It used to delight me like candy delights a little child. I used to forget about everything and rejoice in the rain as if it was raining just for me. It seems like a long time ago. Seems like it was another era. A time when people meant something to one another. A time when it was all not so complex as it is today. I thought I still loved rain. One doesn't grow out of love. Or so I had thought. But it rained. And I didn't care. It didn't even make me smile. In fact it triggered absolutely no emotion in me. And now that I think about that, it makes me sad. It makes me wonder. What all has changed. Initially I used to wonder why I liked rain. I'm the sort of person that likes sunshine and flowers and chocolate. Rain is portrayed to be dark. Sad. Dreary. So I often got confused. Why did such a dark thing make me happy. How did it make me forget the world. And more importantly, why isn't it doing that now? Of my list of favorites rain was at the top of the list. How did it cease to be in it's place? The funny thing is I think I know. But I can't say it. Because saying things makes them real. Saying things makes you believe them. And I don't want to believe that yet. It's gonna get better. I know that. I'm gonna be fond of rain again. I probably am even now. But something is pulling me back. Something is amiss. I need that passion. I need that sparkle that came in my eyes when I felt a raindrop fall on me. I need it back so badly. So I can be myself again. So I can not think a million times before I say anything. So I can trust my luck and go with what my gut says. My heart has stopped thinking for me. Because I have stopped taking it seriously. I need a moment to turn back. To fix myself. A moment of truth. So I can be whole again. So I can taste what it's like to be happy for no reason again. So I can be me again. I'm only waiting for that moment.

July 2009.

Answers

I was wondering where all my answers were

What was I supposed to do to help

How was I supposed to make you feel better

But most importantly, why?

Then I let all the thoughts vanish

I forgot how to think

For a while I forgot who I was

While I figured out who I was meant to be

I was helpless and that angered me

I had to have a role

I had to do something that meant something

But all I could see was darkness

And darkness frightens me

Where was the light at the end of the tunnel

Where was the calm after the storm

But then I remembered you smiling

There it was, the light I was looking for

All that I needed to be strong

I remembered that I had to be there for you

Through every bit of thick and thin

And that all my answers lay in that one smile

Death

What is death? I don't think one realises what it is until someone very close dies. I know I didn't. I understand how this life is temporary and that everyone has to die. But it hadn't come hit me in the face until now. I can't fathom how someone I met almost every single day won't be coming anymore. Won't be calling me anymore. Someone who would joke around and lighten up the mood on the dreariest days. Someone who loved me like a daughter. Someone who could joke around with me like no one else can. Someone who could always make me smile. It made me realise that I haven't really understood death. Because I never had to. Not like this. I can't imagine what her children must be going through. I'm so traumatised. They must be a hundred times worse. I'm also very guilty. That maybe I didn't love her enough. Maybe I didn't pray for her enough. Maybe I should have spoken to her that last time she called and I was busy. Maybe I should have let her know what she means to me and that the world is a sad place without her. There are too many maybes. I have also realised alarmingly that life goes on. It shouldn't come as a shock but it has. We haven't forgotten how to smile and laugh. But every time I laugh, I think to myself how could I? Everyone is going on with their lives. Sometimes it makes me angry. It's like she was never there. Sometimes I feel like jostling people and reminding them to stop thinking about themselves. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's guilt. I don't know how to make someone such an integral part of my life into a memory. I don't know how to do that. I can't accept that she is in fact no more. When my mom called me to tell me, I actually called her back and asked her if she was kidding. Even as I was asking her I knew it was in vain but I still had to ask. For a long time I wished I would wake up already and that this was just a really bad dream. That I would just give up everything in sadqa and just have her back and tell her about it and how incredibly important she is. Nothing happened. I never woke up because I was never asleep. 

Pretending

I'm just someone pretending to be me

Like a shadow of what I used to be

As much as I try I cannot flee

From my past it's a stark reality

In front of me it's like a mirror that can see

See through me

Just like you could always see

Aug 11th 2014

All this craze

In the midst of all this craze.

Remembering moments counting days.

Counting stars and moonlit rays.

Forgetting darkness, lighting ways.

Painting faces ignoring delays.

Listening to what the silence says.

Keeping sane in this unruly place.

Telling lies and singing praise. 

Soaking you up in my gaze.

Memorizing every inch of your face.

Moment of faith.

I felt it. I felt the moment where my faith was so proud. So divine. It made everything worth it. My faith had quivered and it took that moment to make me realize the power of Allah. The power of my Imam. Tears sprung to my eyes. I was astounded. I was so proud. That my prayer was answered. That my faith was real. I have always thought of myself as an optimistic person. But this was different. I can see things working out. I can see the winds changing. I can feel them change. I can see darkness too at places. But I feel it's a matter of focus. One can choose to look at the bright side and blur out the dark. Or one can just concentrate on the dark and weep about it. And one can smile. Be happy that He is ever listening. That He hears even the prayers that you don't voice. The ones you keep in your heart. That He loves you unconditionally like no one else can. All one needs is a bit of faith. Something to hold on to. Something that tells you even in pitch darkness that you are not alone. You are protected. You are loved. 

That moment made me look at the entire world with a different perspective. Everything is so beautiful. People just need perspective. People just need that moment. 

Feb 10th '13