Light

So I feel like I'm going down a dark tunnel. And I'm going deeper and deeper without any idea of where it's going to lead me. I'm telling God to either take me out of this tunnel or just show me lights in the tunnel. I'll make a world of my own here. I really like the tunnel. It somehow makes me feel free instead of feeling like I'm under captivation. It makes me happy. It also scares me. Speeding through a dark tunnel scares me. And I just seem to be going in deeper and deeper. The speed is also a thrill. The darkness isn't. If only there was some light. If only there were fairy lights in the tunnel. They would light up the whole tunnel! And make it look beautiful! Then I would stop speeding. Then I would just live in the tunnel. If there isn't any hope of any light, then I really want to just get out. I can't even go back. There is no going back. I either have to get out or stay. 

Mommy

You balance the world on your shoulders 

You struggle to make us feel complete

Yet keep us from from every burden

And smile at the heaven beneath your feet

You never tell us how heaven got there

How it strained your soul and fed on your flesh

How it tested you time and again

How you bore it all and kept your mind afresh

How you didn't think twice about the pain

How you love us without thinking of gain

How unselfish is the love of a mother

Like the unassuming rain

It falls without judging without thinking of itself

Falls and withers and helps the flowers grow

How you thought of your children first

Never yourself through every high and low

It can't be repaid, your love dear mother

It can't be measured, its like no other

Love you mommy.

May 2014

This place

So I thought I would write. And I would say it all without saying anything. I would make up a whole world that displays everything without me having to say anything. Is that possible? A place where wishes fly on petals in the wind and get tangled in your hair as they cross you. The smell lingers and you smile. Whatever mood you are in you smile. And drift into another state. Where we walk on clouds and hand pick stars to put in our pockets. Like flowers. Pockets full of stars. Then you can scatter them down below. On the people who need them. More than you.  Because sometimes people need stars. They need hope and they need miracles. They need to believe. We speak in color. Everything we say is a different color. Every emotion has a separate shade. You can tell happy people from sad people because of the colors. You fly and prance about from one cloud to another. With the petals and the stars and dreams. Dreams are floating about just like clouds. And candy. There's candy everywhere. We can eat the candy and it would just reappear. It's never ending candy! It's never going to be dark here. Because there's too much of color. All the darkness would be colored away. I'm writing about this place and wondering how real it sounds. If it sounds real at all. In a child's mind it's the perfect solution. A pure imagination without any flaws. A perfect little world. Do you think heaven's like that? 

A perfect picture

Do you remember that photograph? The one in which everything was perfect. The one in which we were all happy. The one in which everyone was grumbling at me to have hired a photographer and not have Ghani take the picture. The one which which can never ever be taken again. The one in which you looked so beautiful. The one where all of us dressed up and wore heels. The one which wasn't taken properly so is slightly out of focus and yet so perfect. The one in which there's always someone or the other with closed eyes or a grumpy face. The one in which Haider is in a naughty mood. The one where everyone wants to look good. The one where everyone is giving directions to Ghani on how to take the photograph. If only we could go back into photos. If only we could somehow just dive back into that time and live that magic again. If only even for a moment we could relive some time with you. 

Happy Birthday Anu, you meant the world to me. How will you make fun of whoever I marry now? How will we do all the fun things we planned? How will I give you presents and treat you with my salary? How will we share a joke that no one else understands and laugh our heads off? I'm so much worse off without your prayers. I hope you are looking at us and are happy wherever you are. Because if you are happy, then nothing else matters. 

17th jan 2015

Let Go

All my thoughts in my head, they're all jumbled up. And they're all confusing me. I need to stop.

I need to get away. I need to go somewhere and think in peace. Somewhere like the beach. Somewhere where it's raining. Somewhere where I can have a little peace of mind. And no one that judges. Somewhere where I can spread out all my feelings on the ground in order. And pick and choose the ones I want and let the others be swept by the wind. Have you ever felt a wave of emotion when the wind hits your face? They're emotions that people don't want. Maybe I'm rambling. I don't know. But I have to do this. Also, I have to learn to stop getting affected by people. I wish I could turn it off. If only it was a switch. I try so hard. And I'm not sensitive really. Or so I hope. But sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, I get hit by a blow. And I don't fall down. I don't buckle. I don't let it be seen on my face. But that doesn't mean I don't feel it. It doesn't mean I'm immune to all sorts of blows. I wish I was. I have to learn to escape those. I have to learn so many things. Also, I have to learn to let things go. To maybe stop bothering God so much. To let go of everything and just not think and not feel and be free. 

Jan 2010

Random things that make me happy*

I made a list back some five years back of totally random things that make me happy. Little bits and pieces of happiness =')

Plus, someone told me my blog has too much sadness. I realized that I don't write when I'm happy. 

I write when I am upset about something or when I have a sudden inspiration from something that could be a painting that intrigues me or a baby laughing. 

So, heres to happiness. I still agree with all of them =p there's many more actually. Till I write again. Heres the complete list =D till theres more =p

1. Rain
2. Beach
3. Flowers
4. Gajras
5. Chocolates
6. Jalebi
7. Gulab jamun
8. Jhumkas
9. Payals

10. Pani Puri

1 1. Dodging cars

12. Mehndi
13. Chooris
14. Photography
15. Sketching
16. Playing piano
17. Pasta
18. Mushrooms
19. Nihari
20. Babies
21. Sari
22. Sharara
23. Lassi
24. Stars

25. Candles

26. Hoodies
27. Red nail paint
28. French manicure
29. Curls
30. House MD
31. Puppies
32. Long dupattas
33. Chunri
34. Kajal

35. Cookies

36. Chocolate cake

37. Milads

38. All shades of blue

39. Kola puri chappals
40. Black heels
41. Blow dries
42. Vacationing
43. Picnics
44. Sausages
45. Pomegranate
46. Strawberries n cream
47. Mangoes
48. Soft coconut
49. Red clothes

50. Poetry

51. Greeting cards
52. Birthdays
53. Special occasions
54. Romantic comedies

55. Magnum

56. Laughter

57. Painting 

58. Lights

59. Yellow flowers 

60. Old pictures

61. Manqabat 

62. Pearls 

63. Water fights

64. Writing

65. Cheesecake

66. Playing with children 

67. Making people smile

68. Making portraits 

69. Singing

70. Buying books

71. Rose petals

72. Kittens

73. Nutella

74. Flowy clothes

75. Maltesers

76. Tiramisu 

77. Sev puri

78. Mangoes

79. Paboras

80. Melon

81. Shopping

82. Kashmiri chai

83. Channa halwa

84. Going through old pictures

85. Playing rang

86. Old songs

87. Making memories

88. Pancakes

89. Shells

90. Falsas 

91. Birthday cards

92. Wall art

93. Happy people

94. Brownies

95. Coffee

96. Popcorn

97. Experimenting with food

98. Watching Cricket

99. Candy floss

100. Mommy

Promise

You were sitting there on that rock

It seemed like you were waiting for someone

I was not very far away but I knew you were in another world

You had your eyes open staring at me and yet I knew you were looking through me

Your eyes told me nothing about you

The glassy look, the expressionless face

I never once got how you did it

How you hid all your emotions so well

Then the wave came and splashed upon you and washed off your mask

And then I really saw you

The fright the courage and the hope

I saw the story behind your eyes

I saw the hurt the deceit the thirst for revenge

The determination to protect what you love

The hurt in your eyes scared me but the hope made me hold on

I came towards you and you smiled

And I silently promised never to let that smile fade away

          2009