Warning

The darkness does not consume me.
I am the darkness.
Light withers away when she sees me, scared of being destroyed.
I warned you not to love me, you didn’t understand.
Now I see you drown in your pool of regret and I’m smiling.

One year

One year since I saw your beautiful face
One year since I saw you smile
One year since you called me back
Doesn't seem like it's been a while

It's been a year and I see your kids
Put on masks of bravery and walk on
Break apart in frozen fragments of time
Then pick up their pieces and go on

It's been a year and I see your parents
Moving further and further apart
Broken to the point of no repair
Still holding on to their heart

Missing you more than words can say
It's been a year and it seems like yesterday

27th August haunts me like no other day.
RIP Anu. I can still not believe you are gone. I doubt I ever will.

Untitled

You make me feel like I'm perfect

I'm not

But sometimes I live in that illusion

Because life around me is perfect

MashaaAllah

I have you and you are perfect

I feel like everything about you is tailored for me

No one else could be all that you are

I never realized I could love someone so much

I didn't know I had it in me

I sometimes look at you and wonder

When you are fast asleep and in another world

How you came to be mine

How everything just fell into place so quickly

It's been a beautiful journey

I feel like I've known you forever

You mean the world to me

It's like you are every prayer answered all at once

Love you

Aug 24th 2015

In my head

You are going round and round in my head

Playing games with my mind

Hide and seek and truth and dare

Hiding the truth and revealing it 

Daring to seek and achieving it

You are making me dizzy like a drug

And I think I'm addicted

We can play this game together

If you get out of my head

My head will soon allow you

To make this your abode

Then what if I don't let you go

Do you want to take that road

Because once that happens you have to stay

Otherwise my head will explode

My heart will gather the pieces

And try to make it whole again

And break itself in the process 

My head will be new again

For you to play games in

But my heart will never be the same 

Light

So I feel like I'm going down a dark tunnel. And I'm going deeper and deeper without any idea of where it's going to lead me. I'm telling God to either take me out of this tunnel or just show me lights in the tunnel. I'll make a world of my own here. I really like the tunnel. It somehow makes me feel free instead of feeling like I'm under captivation. It makes me happy. It also scares me. Speeding through a dark tunnel scares me. And I just seem to be going in deeper and deeper. The speed is also a thrill. The darkness isn't. If only there was some light. If only there were fairy lights in the tunnel. They would light up the whole tunnel! And make it look beautiful! Then I would stop speeding. Then I would just live in the tunnel. If there isn't any hope of any light, then I really want to just get out. I can't even go back. There is no going back. I either have to get out or stay. 

Mommy

You balance the world on your shoulders 

You struggle to make us feel complete

Yet keep us from from every burden

And smile at the heaven beneath your feet

You never tell us how heaven got there

How it strained your soul and fed on your flesh

How it tested you time and again

How you bore it all and kept your mind afresh

How you didn't think twice about the pain

How you love us without thinking of gain

How unselfish is the love of a mother

Like the unassuming rain

It falls without judging without thinking of itself

Falls and withers and helps the flowers grow

How you thought of your children first

Never yourself through every high and low

It can't be repaid, your love dear mother

It can't be measured, its like no other

Love you mommy.

May 2014

This place

So I thought I would write. And I would say it all without saying anything. I would make up a whole world that displays everything without me having to say anything. Is that possible? A place where wishes fly on petals in the wind and get tangled in your hair as they cross you. The smell lingers and you smile. Whatever mood you are in you smile. And drift into another state. Where we walk on clouds and hand pick stars to put in our pockets. Like flowers. Pockets full of stars. Then you can scatter them down below. On the people who need them. More than you.  Because sometimes people need stars. They need hope and they need miracles. They need to believe. We speak in color. Everything we say is a different color. Every emotion has a separate shade. You can tell happy people from sad people because of the colors. You fly and prance about from one cloud to another. With the petals and the stars and dreams. Dreams are floating about just like clouds. And candy. There's candy everywhere. We can eat the candy and it would just reappear. It's never ending candy! It's never going to be dark here. Because there's too much of color. All the darkness would be colored away. I'm writing about this place and wondering how real it sounds. If it sounds real at all. In a child's mind it's the perfect solution. A pure imagination without any flaws. A perfect little world. Do you think heaven's like that? 

A perfect picture

Do you remember that photograph? The one in which everything was perfect. The one in which we were all happy. The one in which everyone was grumbling at me to have hired a photographer and not have Ghani take the picture. The one which which can never ever be taken again. The one in which you looked so beautiful. The one where all of us dressed up and wore heels. The one which wasn't taken properly so is slightly out of focus and yet so perfect. The one in which there's always someone or the other with closed eyes or a grumpy face. The one in which Haider is in a naughty mood. The one where everyone wants to look good. The one where everyone is giving directions to Ghani on how to take the photograph. If only we could go back into photos. If only we could somehow just dive back into that time and live that magic again. If only even for a moment we could relive some time with you. 

Happy Birthday Anu, you meant the world to me. How will you make fun of whoever I marry now? How will we do all the fun things we planned? How will I give you presents and treat you with my salary? How will we share a joke that no one else understands and laugh our heads off? I'm so much worse off without your prayers. I hope you are looking at us and are happy wherever you are. Because if you are happy, then nothing else matters. 

17th jan 2015

Let Go

All my thoughts in my head, they're all jumbled up. And they're all confusing me. I need to stop.

I need to get away. I need to go somewhere and think in peace. Somewhere like the beach. Somewhere where it's raining. Somewhere where I can have a little peace of mind. And no one that judges. Somewhere where I can spread out all my feelings on the ground in order. And pick and choose the ones I want and let the others be swept by the wind. Have you ever felt a wave of emotion when the wind hits your face? They're emotions that people don't want. Maybe I'm rambling. I don't know. But I have to do this. Also, I have to learn to stop getting affected by people. I wish I could turn it off. If only it was a switch. I try so hard. And I'm not sensitive really. Or so I hope. But sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, I get hit by a blow. And I don't fall down. I don't buckle. I don't let it be seen on my face. But that doesn't mean I don't feel it. It doesn't mean I'm immune to all sorts of blows. I wish I was. I have to learn to escape those. I have to learn so many things. Also, I have to learn to let things go. To maybe stop bothering God so much. To let go of everything and just not think and not feel and be free. 

Jan 2010

Random things that make me happy*

I made a list back some five years back of totally random things that make me happy. Little bits and pieces of happiness =')

Plus, someone told me my blog has too much sadness. I realized that I don't write when I'm happy. 

I write when I am upset about something or when I have a sudden inspiration from something that could be a painting that intrigues me or a baby laughing. 

So, heres to happiness. I still agree with all of them =p there's many more actually. Till I write again. Heres the complete list =D till theres more =p

1. Rain
2. Beach
3. Flowers
4. Gajras
5. Chocolates
6. Jalebi
7. Gulab jamun
8. Jhumkas
9. Payals

10. Pani Puri

1 1. Dodging cars

12. Mehndi
13. Chooris
14. Photography
15. Sketching
16. Playing piano
17. Pasta
18. Mushrooms
19. Nihari
20. Babies
21. Sari
22. Sharara
23. Lassi
24. Stars

25. Candles

26. Hoodies
27. Red nail paint
28. French manicure
29. Curls
30. House MD
31. Puppies
32. Long dupattas
33. Chunri
34. Kajal

35. Cookies

36. Chocolate cake

37. Milads

38. All shades of blue

39. Kola puri chappals
40. Black heels
41. Blow dries
42. Vacationing
43. Picnics
44. Sausages
45. Pomegranate
46. Strawberries n cream
47. Mangoes
48. Soft coconut
49. Red clothes

50. Poetry

51. Greeting cards
52. Birthdays
53. Special occasions
54. Romantic comedies

55. Magnum

56. Laughter

57. Painting 

58. Lights

59. Yellow flowers 

60. Old pictures

61. Manqabat 

62. Pearls 

63. Water fights

64. Writing

65. Cheesecake

66. Playing with children 

67. Making people smile

68. Making portraits 

69. Singing

70. Buying books

71. Rose petals

72. Kittens

73. Nutella

74. Flowy clothes

75. Maltesers

76. Tiramisu 

77. Sev puri

78. Mangoes

79. Paboras

80. Melon

81. Shopping

82. Kashmiri chai

83. Channa halwa

84. Going through old pictures

85. Playing rang

86. Old songs

87. Making memories

88. Pancakes

89. Shells

90. Falsas 

91. Birthday cards

92. Wall art

93. Happy people

94. Brownies

95. Coffee

96. Popcorn

97. Experimenting with food

98. Watching Cricket

99. Candy floss

100. Mommy

Promise

You were sitting there on that rock

It seemed like you were waiting for someone

I was not very far away but I knew you were in another world

You had your eyes open staring at me and yet I knew you were looking through me

Your eyes told me nothing about you

The glassy look, the expressionless face

I never once got how you did it

How you hid all your emotions so well

Then the wave came and splashed upon you and washed off your mask

And then I really saw you

The fright the courage and the hope

I saw the story behind your eyes

I saw the hurt the deceit the thirst for revenge

The determination to protect what you love

The hurt in your eyes scared me but the hope made me hold on

I came towards you and you smiled

And I silently promised never to let that smile fade away

          2009 

What if.

What if you break my trust

What if you are not as you seem

What if everything I think 

Is only a vivid dream 

What if we go backward

Instead of going ahead

What if you are an illusion

That's messing with my head

What if you see through me

And see through my smile

What if you don't get it

And it takes too long a while

What if you believe me

When I tell you night is day

And people call you mad

And think you have lost your way 

What if I distort reality 

And make it still look real

Would you still be in my world

Or would it not be ideal

What if I make no sense one day

And you start to regret

Would you stay for who I was

Or would you just forget 

Confusion

There is soooo much confusion in my head. I really really need to talk to her. I don't know how it is that people are so calm. I'm screaming inside. Every time I see her on whatsapp. I let out a silent scream. I want to know why on earth she can't reply if I msg. Why can't I just give her a call. Expletives that I don't otherwise say come in my mind. Things I never say. I don't know who the anger is directed to. I just need to understand. I need someone to explain to me what on earth happened. How is it that she simply disappeared from the face of the earth. That shouldn't happen to anyone. I mean one fine day she is just GONE. Why won't anyone explain how that's even possible? She doesn't even come in my dream anymore. If only we knew. We would make and break everything to prevent this from happening. Why do we always take things for granted? Why do we think we have time?

We don't. This moment right now. This moment is all we have. Whatever it is you have to do, do it now. Tomorrow might not come. For you or someone else. What if all you have is today?

Untitled

I need something to paralyze my thinking
So my mind can be blank and not wander
I need some time for sleep and rest
So I can dream again and ponder
How did it get to this
Where did I go wrong now
Maybe my dream will have answers
Maybe it will tell me how
My thoughts are like a piercing knife
They've torn my heart with no relent
They have tortured my very existence
For which they did never repent
Take me far away from them
Somewhere with flowers and clouds and rain
Take me away to erase my thoughts
Help me take away my pain

March 2010

Rain

There was a time I liked rain. A lot. I was crazy about it. It used to delight me like candy delights a little child. I used to forget about everything and rejoice in the rain as if it was raining just for me. It seems like a long time ago. Seems like it was another era. A time when people meant something to one another. A time when it was all not so complex as it is today. I thought I still loved rain. One doesn't grow out of love. Or so I had thought. But it rained. And I didn't care. It didn't even make me smile. In fact it triggered absolutely no emotion in me. And now that I think about that, it makes me sad. It makes me wonder. What all has changed. Initially I used to wonder why I liked rain. I'm the sort of person that likes sunshine and flowers and chocolate. Rain is portrayed to be dark. Sad. Dreary. So I often got confused. Why did such a dark thing make me happy. How did it make me forget the world. And more importantly, why isn't it doing that now? Of my list of favorites rain was at the top of the list. How did it cease to be in it's place? The funny thing is I think I know. But I can't say it. Because saying things makes them real. Saying things makes you believe them. And I don't want to believe that yet. It's gonna get better. I know that. I'm gonna be fond of rain again. I probably am even now. But something is pulling me back. Something is amiss. I need that passion. I need that sparkle that came in my eyes when I felt a raindrop fall on me. I need it back so badly. So I can be myself again. So I can not think a million times before I say anything. So I can trust my luck and go with what my gut says. My heart has stopped thinking for me. Because I have stopped taking it seriously. I need a moment to turn back. To fix myself. A moment of truth. So I can be whole again. So I can taste what it's like to be happy for no reason again. So I can be me again. I'm only waiting for that moment.

July 2009.

Answers

I was wondering where all my answers were

What was I supposed to do to help

How was I supposed to make you feel better

But most importantly, why?

Then I let all the thoughts vanish

I forgot how to think

For a while I forgot who I was

While I figured out who I was meant to be

I was helpless and that angered me

I had to have a role

I had to do something that meant something

But all I could see was darkness

And darkness frightens me

Where was the light at the end of the tunnel

Where was the calm after the storm

But then I remembered you smiling

There it was, the light I was looking for

All that I needed to be strong

I remembered that I had to be there for you

Through every bit of thick and thin

And that all my answers lay in that one smile

Death

What is death? I don't think one realises what it is until someone very close dies. I know I didn't. I understand how this life is temporary and that everyone has to die. But it hadn't come hit me in the face until now. I can't fathom how someone I met almost every single day won't be coming anymore. Won't be calling me anymore. Someone who would joke around and lighten up the mood on the dreariest days. Someone who loved me like a daughter. Someone who could joke around with me like no one else can. Someone who could always make me smile. It made me realise that I haven't really understood death. Because I never had to. Not like this. I can't imagine what her children must be going through. I'm so traumatised. They must be a hundred times worse. I'm also very guilty. That maybe I didn't love her enough. Maybe I didn't pray for her enough. Maybe I should have spoken to her that last time she called and I was busy. Maybe I should have let her know what she means to me and that the world is a sad place without her. There are too many maybes. I have also realised alarmingly that life goes on. It shouldn't come as a shock but it has. We haven't forgotten how to smile and laugh. But every time I laugh, I think to myself how could I? Everyone is going on with their lives. Sometimes it makes me angry. It's like she was never there. Sometimes I feel like jostling people and reminding them to stop thinking about themselves. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's guilt. I don't know how to make someone such an integral part of my life into a memory. I don't know how to do that. I can't accept that she is in fact no more. When my mom called me to tell me, I actually called her back and asked her if she was kidding. Even as I was asking her I knew it was in vain but I still had to ask. For a long time I wished I would wake up already and that this was just a really bad dream. That I would just give up everything in sadqa and just have her back and tell her about it and how incredibly important she is. Nothing happened. I never woke up because I was never asleep. 

Pretending

I'm just someone pretending to be me

Like a shadow of what I used to be

As much as I try I cannot flee

From my past it's a stark reality

In front of me it's like a mirror that can see

See through me

Just like you could always see

Aug 11th 2014

All this craze

In the midst of all this craze.

Remembering moments counting days.

Counting stars and moonlit rays.

Forgetting darkness, lighting ways.

Painting faces ignoring delays.

Listening to what the silence says.

Keeping sane in this unruly place.

Telling lies and singing praise. 

Soaking you up in my gaze.

Memorizing every inch of your face.

Moment of faith.

I felt it. I felt the moment where my faith was so proud. So divine. It made everything worth it. My faith had quivered and it took that moment to make me realize the power of Allah. The power of my Imam. Tears sprung to my eyes. I was astounded. I was so proud. That my prayer was answered. That my faith was real. I have always thought of myself as an optimistic person. But this was different. I can see things working out. I can see the winds changing. I can feel them change. I can see darkness too at places. But I feel it's a matter of focus. One can choose to look at the bright side and blur out the dark. Or one can just concentrate on the dark and weep about it. And one can smile. Be happy that He is ever listening. That He hears even the prayers that you don't voice. The ones you keep in your heart. That He loves you unconditionally like no one else can. All one needs is a bit of faith. Something to hold on to. Something that tells you even in pitch darkness that you are not alone. You are protected. You are loved. 

That moment made me look at the entire world with a different perspective. Everything is so beautiful. People just need perspective. People just need that moment. 

Feb 10th '13